August, thus far has been spent in fellowship, deep honest fellowship with Christians I trust implicitly.
August has been spent in prayer, deep searching questions flippant remarks, crying out, crying off and crying.
August has been spent on my knees, as I again ask for mercy, ask for my skewed thinking to be straightened, ask for compassion as I again tick off the huge list of sins. Not the same ones, new to me sins, new to me - is there no end to the depravity of my mind, can I treat anyone as dispicably as I treated (XYZ).
August has been spent in praise, in musical prayer, in psalm writing, in editing and rewriting and being ready.
Is duality a part of your life?
I have friends who say "We are all on different journeys"
I have friends who say "anyone who says that is not a Christian"
I have friends who don't get why I am beating myself up over inconsequential things (to them)
I have friends who say " You have a story to tell, a testimony to share"
I wonder how many will be left standing by me if I do. My guess, my honest to goodness guess, three possibly four.
I was reminded last night of "love". And it was in the sentence "you can love from a distance" that got me.
Last week I finally got around, after much hand wringing, to sharing a portion of my life (30 years) to my husband. I am continually amazed by how God is using Sean to teach me stuff, grace, mercy, unconditional love. He is so a "Christian" without being one.
How many of my good Christian friends will be loving from afar when I come out and give my testimony, because they can't be near me in case they catch something of the evilness I have done.
Is it attention seeking or self-preservation that stops me sharing, adding a wee bit of mystery by not sharing.
I gave a little snippet last night:
The background: was asked to give some breathing exercises which I did but in doing so had to shorten my breathing because having swum as a teenager I can hold my breath for some time even after all the years of smoking!
The remark: was made that if I was to be done in not to use drowning
My reply: oh yeah, one of my mum's boyfriend's tried to drown me, I was sick and everything after it.
To me - with my normal - that was a quirky event in my life
To others - with a different normal - that was shocking.
So you see if that quirky tale is shocking, the space invaders that lived in the chimney and other tales will blow my "good" friends minds.
But what should really blow their minds and the minds of non Christians who hear is that. God wants me, he wants me to be in relationship with him. He is my father, I am adopted in his family. I am loved and I am wanted. Freak of nature, me - HE WANTS ME, and so if He wants someone like me, he must want everyone else too. Girl/Boy - He wants you. He loves you - just ask!
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