who am I when no one is looking?

But the seed on good soil stands for those with a noble and good heart, who hear the word, retain it, and by persevering produce a crop.

A Lamp on a Stand

 “No one lights a lamp and hides it in a clay jar or puts it under a bed. Instead, they put it on a stand, so that those who come in can see the light.  For there is nothing hidden that will not be disclosed, and nothing concealed that will not be known or brought out into the open

Luke 8:15-17

 

Over the past while I have expanded my horizons again, as my mother would say I have become less provincial. It was seeing my name in print at http://goo.gl/LDBEq that started me off thinking it would not be the worst thing in the world for people to be able to read my stories.

 

Earlier this year I put a blanket ban on my Minister from saying my name in a positive light from the pulpit. I didn’t want the limelight, I didn’t want people to know. The first time I heard my lyrics being sung I was embarrassed. I wanted to hide under a barrel. I wanted my light to hide under a barrel. Which meant that the light the Lord was using in me was being hidden too.

 

At the same time in my provincial life I have had to stay quiet. I have wanted to write and the urge got stronger this week. BUT. It would be a rant. It would be personal and it would be WRONG. Have felt so many emotions this week from weepy to fleeting anger to compassion. Each time it started someplace bad and ended in compassion.

 

I have changed, I really have, I feel love and compassion to this person. The vengeful/ revengeful Susan of old is gone. I couldn’t muster an adequate attack plan in my imagination. It kept coming back as empathy for the situation the person is in.

 

 I was asked “what would Jesus do?” and after thinking about it for some time I thought Jesus had more important things to get on with than bother about provincial in fighting. He needed to tell us about the Kingdom. So taking his lead I carried on, doing the things I do, saying the things I say and thinking the things I think. BECAUSE. I am the same, the same on Mondays, Wednesdays, Fridays, the same on Sundays. My heart is soft every day, every night, all day, all night.

 

I am so grateful to the Lord for the grace and mercy bestowed on me, He wants me, He really, really with sugar on the top wants me and I cannot help but smile about that, grin about that. The Lord loves me and is not concerned with the provincial mind I had, He wants me to use my T.A.R.D.I.S. brain for the betterment of the Kingdom.

 

There is a balance, a tension between self worth, unworthy, worthless and worthy. I was worthless, I knew it and everyone else knew it except God, He knew I was worth something to Him. Giddy as a schoolgirl on a trip, that is how He makes me feel. Joyous, glad, happy. So if we are talking about worthy: I am as worthy as anyone else. If we are talking unworthy, I am as unworthy as everyone else.

 

Although my name will be in print, although my name will become known throughout the world for my genre of writing, I will not see my name; my name is irrelevant, I will see God’s hand in the work. I will see God.

 

Although my collaboration with P.F. will result in our names being known for worship songs and the rest of that project. I will not see our hand in that area but God alone who gifted us with words and music, and prompted us to begin.

 

I cannot put the mute button on, or turn down the colour or the sound, to do so would disrespect my Lord and merciful Saviour. So onward to purple hair, funky clothes and a heart that is open. Open to the Lord, open to compassion, open to remain soft for eternity.